[Daggergrace]

[font=.SF UI Text][font=.SFUIText]OeSo…I don't really know how to describe what I am feeling rightness now, this feels kind of…empty almost…burn  guess we'll just dumb it down, I feel sad.[/font][/font]


[font=.SF UI Text][font=.SFUIText]I feel like I try really hard as a Tmod to be…to be delightful. I try to laugh when I call people assholes or rude names, so they know I'm only kidding, but they don't ever get the hint. I try to add little :3 faces at the end of some insulting chat PM to hint I'm not serious about it, but I still get called salty. [/font][/font]

[font=.SF UI Text][font=.SFUIText]It is very hard for me to replicate happiness when I have felt so little of it in my lifetime. So many false things have been said about me, and it ruins my reputation on what I worked so hard to build. I have been called out that I have been making my own rules. But don't some rules differ for some MODS? Like I have been slain for defending myself while I was falling from propsurfing, even though it is widely known that falling and propfurfing are two different times to shoot. But nobody ever talked to him as far as I know.[/font][/font]

[font=.SF UI Text][font=.SFUIText]I don't even make up my own rules.[/font][/font]
[font=.SF UI Text][font=.SFUIText]1: "Dagger said that if people prop block the door in the breadroom he would slay them" [/font][/font]

[font=.SF UI Text][font=.SFUIText]What I said: "if the people possessing props block the door of the bread room, I will slay your interfering, this is your only warning okay?"[/font][/font]

[font=.SF UI Text][font=.SFUIText]2: "Dagger you handle your reports sometimes.[/font][/font]

[font=.SF UI Text][font=.SFUIText]What I said: "yes I handle my own reports when I am the only staff on or I canceled my report".[/font][/font]

[font=.SF UI Text][font=.SFUIText]3: "Dagger said it was a new rule to kill sus in OT"[/font][/font]

[font=.SF UI Text][font=.SFUIText]What I said AND did: "look on this server--*"[/font][/font]

[font=.SF UI Text][font=.SFUIText]-micspam from 6 people-[/font][/font]

[font=.SF UI Text][font=.SFUIText]"You can KO--*"[/font][/font]

[font=.SF UI Text][font=.SFUIText]-Micspam as soon as I start talking again, starts to type it to him, only to get argued with and denial of everything I said-[/font][/font]

[font=.SF UI Text][font=.SFUIText]"Okay screw this"[/font][/font]

[font=.SF UI Text][font=.SFUIText]-starts to find people to gag so I can clarify, R key broken, can't list some people-[/font][/font]

[font=.SF UI Text][font=.SFUIText]"Fuck it, I'll explain to him later"[/font][/font]

[font=.SF UI Text][font=.SFUIText]-types that it was a new rule-[/font][/font]

[font=.SF UI Text][font=.SFUIText]4: "dagger your such a hypocrite you bitch about shotguns and then use one!!"[/font][/font]

[font=.SF UI Text][font=.SFUIText]What I said and did: -plays 5 maps without using a shotgun, and on the 3rd round of the 5th map I get killed by someone who ONLY uses the shotgun and has it set to primary weapon slot in inventory, as well as never using any other gun-[/font][/font]

[font=.SF UI Text][font=.SFUIText]"Tch, scrub"[/font][/font]

[font=.SF UI Text][font=.SFUIText]-round 5, dies and gets defibbed and spawns with a shotgun, uses it for the remained of the round-[/font][/font]

[font=.SF UI Text][font=.SFUIText]5: "dagger you are so salty whenever you get killed"[/font][/font]

[font=.SF UI Text][font=.SFUIText]What I said in report: "how the hell did you know it was me?"[/font][/font]

[font=.SF UI Text][font=.SFUIText]Response: "I saw you with a grapple in your hand"[/font][/font]

[font=.SF UI Text][font=.SFUIText]{hmm, doubt he could've seen me, can't watch deathscene till I forgive or keep, I'll keep it and then watch it and cast judgement on what I think}[/font][/font]

[font=.SF UI Text][font=.SFUIText]-deathscene shows barely any time to have scene me-[/font][/font]

[font=.SF UI Text][font=.SFUIText]"I don't think you could've seen me"[/font][/font]

[font=.SF UI Text][font=.SFUIText]"Well I diiiiiiid soooooo"[/font][/font]

[font=.SF UI Text][font=.SFUIText]Like, I feel the community takes what I do, and kinda doesn't look at all the facts…it hurts me, because I am trying really hard to adjust myself to fit the needs in this server, and it hurts me that no matter what I try and do, all I get is a meme response or a lack of seriousness, usually both...[/font][/font]

[font=.SF UI Text][font=.SFUIText]I just want people to accept me for who I am, because I don't think I can change, ffs I am faking happiness for everyone…I don't want to be myself, because myself sucks ass, it would just be me hardly ever talking and a lack of care for anything, but I want to help this server because it has helped me relieve stress at times, and y'all can be nice sometimes, but lately it feels like I've been the target of hate for everyone…and it hurts me bad…[/font][/font]

[queef commando]

stop shitposting

[Foxka]

don't fake happiness, fix what the problem is and work on improving yourself.

[Pbever]

I'm sorry to hear you're going through a hard time. As @Foxka said, the best way is to fix what your problem is. Finding out what exactly that problem is, however, is another story. I think it's best to either just sit down or go for a jog or a walk, and while doing so think about past experiences. What issues have you faced? What could you have done better? How can you learn from this?

This process is how I deal with my own issues. It can be hard to think about things like this, but whatever short term pain it caused me, the long-term self-improvement that resulted from it helped my happiness immensely. I've been in a few dark places myself, especially during my middle school years, but ultimately I crawled out of it as a better person. No matter what issues you're facing, despite what you may think, you're not alone. You certainly have more friends than you think.

I understand you're just doing the best you can, and you're not even doing a bad job, but there are always things we can do to improve ourselves. I'm sure some of the more experienced admins or mods would be willing to offer some advice, if you want it.

[Daggergrace]

don't fake happiness, fix what the problem is and work on improving yourself.

There is no fixing it as far as I know, there is nothing that I can do right now, I've come up with thousands of reasons of why I am who I am, and I can't conclude any of them.

I am even on medication for this sort of emotional issue, since I am now seeing a psychiatrist…can't remember the name of the drug but it starts with an r and helps with the aid about psychosis..?

The main issue I feel, is that I can't bring myself to care about anything regarding myself, but for others I fake it.

Also I do feel like the admins of the server, mainly queef and Dakody, do nothing to help anyone, in fact Dakody targeted me a few days ago, he let Minime RDM me, claiming that mini had a free RDM pass as long as it was me. He constantly kept freezing me in place on the map, he took my ranked away completely even after I asked him nicely to stop.

Queef can't even bother to say, "stop shitposting", on the thread about the ONE shitpost I did in over 8 months. They all got triggered over it, and it really isn't that big of a deal. And that's what I hate, I respect the lower people more, because most of the admins, aside from scoovie who has actually talked with me about improving in a kind manner, are, in my opinion, are assholes.

[nopleez]

wowee sounds like u need to take a break

[Daggergrace]

wowee sounds like u need to take a break

Already took a break before, not much changed, but only a few people get my gig.

Be happy I call you a bitch after you kill me, it means I'm having fun and I like you. Ffs I don't make it that hard to recognize as I laugh when I say it.

[Generally_Suspicious]

My 2 cents on this.
1 cent
The staff works under 2 things.
Grudges, and a clique mentality.

Poor guidelines to work under. This isn't high-school.

2 cents
They also constantly feel they are above the rules and back each other up to allow them selves to be above the rules.
God forbid you call any of the inner circle on breaking the rules or abusing power.
You don't get a medal for fighting corruption, you get targeted by staff and your reports ignored.
My first experience on this server was being RDM'd by staff, a staff member clearing their report, then the one who handled the report rdm'd me the next round, and the first guy then cleared him on it.
But god forbid you do something minor outside the inner circle: Here comes an abuse report and everyone breaks out their shovels to dig up any tiny thing you've ever done.

[Scoovie]

My 2 cents on this.
1 cent
The staff works under 2 things.
Grudges, and a clique mentality.

Poor guidelines to work under. This isn't high-school.

2 cents
They also constantly feel they are above the rules and back each other up to allow them selves to be above the rules.
God forbid you call any of the inner circle on breaking the rules or abusing power.
You don't get a medal for fighting corruption, you get targeted by staff and your reports ignored.
My first experience on this server was being RDM'd by staff, a staff member clearing their report, then the one who handled the report rdm'd me the next round, and the first guy then cleared him on it.
But god forbid you do something minor outside the inner circle: Here comes an abuse report and everyone breaks out their shovels to dig up any tiny thing you've ever done.

First of all: what the fuck are you even saying, must be nice to not know what you're saying. Staff aren't above the rules and if what you say is true about the rdming staff thing then why don't you gather evidence and report them? Instead of making baseless accusations about the staff. Unless there is evidence of abuse, of course staff are gonna defend other staff instead of taking the word of someone who is more than likely just salty.

[Daggergrace]

My 2 cents on this.
1 cent
The staff works under 2 things.
Grudges, and a clique mentality.

Poor guidelines to work under. This isn't high-school.

2 cents
They also constantly feel they are above the rules and back each other up to allow them selves to be above the rules.
God forbid you call any of the inner circle on breaking the rules or abusing power.
You don't get a medal for fighting corruption, you get targeted by staff and your reports ignored.
My first experience on this server was being RDM'd by staff, a staff member clearing their report, then the one who handled the report rdm'd me the next round, and the first guy then cleared him on it.
But god forbid you do something minor outside the inner circle: Here comes an abuse report and everyone breaks out their shovels to dig up any tiny thing you've ever done.

First of all: what the fuck are you even saying, must be nice to not know what you're saying. Staff aren't above the rules and if what you say is true about the rdming staff thing then why don't you gather evidence and report them? Instead of making baseless accusations about the staff. Unless there is evidence of abuse, of course staff are gonna defend other staff instead of taking the word of someone who is more than likely just salty.

Too be fair scoovie, a lot of people have made accusations about me but have hardly ever given any solid proof…yet a lot of people still believe them that I abused rules…because I've been lied about a lot, but I find it funny that no one has any pictures, recordings, anything of the sort to back it up.

Foxka tried to call me out as abusing my mod powers by saying I told people in the bread room not to block the doorway with chairs…no proof or anything of the sort, but y'all believed him didn't you guys? Come to find out, I was DEAD, meaning I must've been speaking to people in DEAD CHAT, so you'd think people would take a clue I was speaking to people possessing props.

Now I wont say that all mods back each other up, but there have been a few instances, though it was a while ago and I'm pretty sure it stopped by now.