[Damien]

     I'm not exactly sure why I was brought into this. I know you felt it was a relevant example, but I feel like I've explained this all once before. About the card, it wasn't always just explicitly the N slur. Yeah, the card may have had some racist intentions since the beginning, but it wasn't always as explicit. I will not name names and I did not add the card, but I drunkenly claimed the card one night out of pettiness towards someone else who DID want the card. I then forgot about the card the next day and stopped using that iteration of the bot. After some time, the card was then changed into the N slur. All the while, I had forgotten that I had it until April happened. I have also already apologized to the person(s) of color that interacted with the bot that may have gotten offended from the card.

     Regarding you being staff, I find that you are just way too immature. I have known you for years now and I haven't seen a bit of growth. Over the years, I've seen just about every part of you, and I can never tell which part of you is the real you and which part is an act. You can either be super friendly, fun, and just a cool person to be around; or you can be super toxic and hateful when certain people or groups are not around. Another small issue I have is when you try to backseat staff too much. I have seen you do it several staff members, including me. This isn't even necessarily a bad thing, but it is almost always unneeded and comes across as cocky almost every time.

     I wanted to keep a lot of what I'm about to mention to stay behind the thread in the staff discord, but seeing that I was brought up on this post; I decided why not?
I honestly don't care if you use homophobic slurs behind private discords. My problem comes from the intent behind such words. These slurs are often followed by extremely toxic behavior and hypocrisy.

       My biggest issue with you becoming staff derives from one of my last interactions with you from earlier this year. After this interaction I told myself to strictly limit my time spent around you. You, me, and a few others were in a discord call one day, and we were all playing CS. To my knowledge, I had done nothing to upset you, and I wanted to ask you a question. In the middle of the round, I try to get your attention by going, "Hey, Damien?" I wait a few seconds and you yell very hatefully, "What the fuck do you want?!" I was taken aback a bit so I jokingly say "Woah woah woah, what's with the attitude?" A few of us start laughing about it and I also jokingly added " I just wanna know why you're at the bottom of the leaderboard." It was at this point you started being extremely hostile towards me the entire game. Throughout the game, you started doing things like: making snarky remarks after I died, calling me slurs after I did anything such as getting in your way, and telling me to kill myself several times. After the game ended, you called me the F slur several times and said
"Kill yourself Nate. Kill yourself. Seriously, I want you to kill yourself. You're such a f*****." After this, you started describing a certain way I should kill myself.
You've stated "queer people will commonly use the main word bigots call them in private queer spaces as either an term of endearment or just for the sake of taking the word back from bigots." Is that what this was? Was telling me to kill myself and calling me slurs a term of endearment? Was this your way of taking these words back from "bigots such as me?"

     As a survivor of attempted suicide, it is absolutely disgusting that I have had to go to different discord server owners in the past over you telling me to kill myself multiple times; and then to hear you tell me to repeatedly kill myself and describe the way I should do it months later? I understand the argument of "people change and grow over time" and while that is a completely valid argument; I have absolutely zero reason to believe that you have. I have known you 4-5 years now and I haven't seen you change a bit. You act differently for a while, depending on what you're trying to achieve in the community and then go back to toxic behaviors that I've always seen you display.

-1 on Trusted.

The reason I brought up your Karuta Card is because of the fact that that word, that card was even allowed to be used within the server. I think the fact that it was allowed without anyone in that group trying to bring it to light that it was allowed is hypocrisy considering that it is a slur being used in a private place (which is what happened to me lol)

I don't even think I've backseat staffed since before I was staff last time, it's kind of silly. You can have whatever your opinion on me as a person is but I still think it's coming from a place of judgement from your perspective as opposed to seeing it from mine and judging it off of both. I don't see myself as an inherently toxic person and that's okay to disagree with.

This next part of the post I will try to be as clear as I can in stating that I am not excusing my actions nor am I trying to say what I said was justified. What I said to you was wrong, I did not know of your history with that subject and I didn't know it would effect you that much. You were spam inviting me and spam kicking me in Quantum's server and I was getting heated so I was being really mean to you. It was super fucked up and I apologize for that. I thought those kinds of toxic jokes were par for the course in the server where multiple community members are called all sorts of names and other toxic shit happens in but regardless I should've not done that. If you would've messaged me about this I would've apologized then and there privately as opposed to publicly now but regardless I am sorry for the way that I acted towards you in that moment.

I think your comments about the change of my character are a little disingenuous considering you have +1'd my apps before and noted my change of character and growth as a person in the +1's themselves. I think you agree with your friends in your group and that's whatever. It's either bias or just your opinion on it changed.