[Dildo Shwaggins]

I got a story for you guys. Back in college I had this girlfriend who was really into sex. Having been a virgin up until I graduated high school, I thought I'd stumbled upon the Holy Grail of pussy when I met this chick. Granted, it took her a while to open up emotionally and build up trust, but when she did, it got really physical.
We were banging so much at first I was actually afraid to move in with her because I thought she'd burn me out. But for a college student, hell, it was the time of my life. Managed to have a healthy social life as well, grades weren't suffering at all either. But like every college student that finds himself suddenly drowning in pussy, I needed one irresponsible night out to get into deep shit.

We got home at 2am, drunk as fuck and somehow managed to get me hard and good to go. We got down to business. Next morning I notice she's acting really weird, but I assumed she was either hungover or still drunk so I brushed it off.

After a few days, in which she kept acting really weird, I get a call from a guy in one of my classes that I played PS3 with once or twice. He calls me in tears, saying he fucked up and he's been banging my girlfriend for 3 months, and he's fed up with lying. Granted, he shows me nude pics of her, timestamped and all that. I am absolutely furious.

Skipping the whole facebook-gym-lawyer thing, I get home and start getting my shit together in order to be able to kick her out without any problem. I really didn't want this sex addicted bitch in my life any longer. In the middle of making a small inventory of the shit she brought into the house, I get a text from her.

"I'm pregnant"

I barely remember what I did next, because I was practically blacking out from rage. I could excuse - not forgive, though - the cheating, but scheming against me like this was too low for me to accept. I knew immediately what she was planning so I looked through the trash and found a bundled up condom, along with its wrapper. I fished it out and put it away carefully, then waited for the bitch to get home.

Of course she's crying like a bitch. I keep calm. I can see through her lies. "I think it happened when we bare dogged it last night", she says. "I want to keep the baby." She's smiling, saying I'd make a great dad.

A few minutes into her play, I drop the bomb. "I know about [friend name, censored for privacy]. I want to break up. I don't care if you're really pregnant or not, I want you out."

At this point I can see in her eyes she's sad she's been caught rather than anything else. She bursts into a fit of rage and accuses ME of cheating on her, of being sex-obsessed (!). When I thought it would simply be a matter of physically kicking her out, she says she can prove it's mine (somehow) and if I don't support her financially she'll press charges for rape. She's throwing all these legal terms at me, saying she'll press charges for everything (whatever that meant) and that she'll ruin my life.

I snap. I push her against a wall and start screaming at her. "Bitch, I found the condom. I know what you did. I don't give a fuck about you anymore, but you've known me enough to realize you can't fuck with me like this. I don't care if you have a baby or not and I don't care whose it is, but it's not mine, and if you dare to get me in legal trouble using this 'baby' of yours I will personally rip it out of you."

I was shocked at what I'd said but I kept my cool. She was bawling her eyes out, and manages to choke out a "sorry".

"I'm sorry. I won't press any charges. I'll just leave. But I need ONE thing."
"What the hell is it?"

"I need...I need bout tree fiddy."

It was at this point that I realized my girlfriend was a three story high crustacean from the paleolithic era.

"Goddamn you, Loch Ness monster, I ain't giving you no tree fiddy!" I yelled as she swam out into the sunset.