10-27-2020, 08:44 PM
Ingame Name: The Mad Shitter
SteamID: STEAM_0:1:43140995
Who Banned You: RenzoLeBenzo
Reason For Ban: Slurs, trolling and toxicity
Length of Ban: Permanent
Reason for Admins to Unban: I realize that I am only supposed to do this once a month but I have been convinced by several friends in the community that it is my responsibility to put this all to rest, as it is an ongoing social issue. I must also admit I was drunk the first time I posted here. I understand why you would ignore this plea, but I beg you to consider my humble apologies and sincerest regrets. I have been approached by several members of the community who wished to see me make a proper, standard regulation appeal and have convinced me that indeed I have made many mistakes in my journey with this server. I would first like to address my previous appeal, made during a night of heavy drinking and purposely inflammatory, with the only real goal of bringing myself great mirth through conflict. While successful in the latter regard, I realize now that such actions were uncalled for and thoroughly unpleasant for everyone else involved. My actions lowered the quality of discussion on the Dinkelberg forums and I deliberately flamed the unban request subforum. I acted immature and childish, and that kind of behavior does not belong in DinkleBerg's TTT. After careful consideration and conversation with certain community members I have come to regret my actions and desire to apologize and make amends for the first time since my joining this server.
Let's just unpack this for a minute. Verily I have behaved in a way fitting of the title of digital villain, not internet badass like I so often profess to be in game. In fact my use of racial slurs like the "n"-word has been quite cowardly, shameful and regretful. I have failed to hold up to the standards of respect and decorum established by Dinkleberg's TTT, acting foolishly and immaturely in game and irreperably ruining the experience for countless innocent and carefree players. In my quest to act in as foolishly as possible in any given situation, I have instead become an insidious influence on the community's tone and have come to be accurately described as a hater and digital supervillain, all in the service of my bloated ego. Feeding on the negative attention, sowing seeds of hate and toxicity and reveling in the pain and sorrow I reap. I have commited serious acts of cyber violence; I must now apologize and make amends.
The first step to this end I believe would be transparent, open and honest dialogue. I have indeed violated the rules to the point of posessing no less than 30 warns, 17 of which are specifically for the use of ethnic slurs, at least two for aggressive homophobia and the rest for deliberate harassment of staff and donors. This is after several instances over the years of being kicked off every time I got back into TTT for my name containing obscure antebellum era slurs for Black people after verbal warnings, by several people but namely raider hanks. Shoutout to you bro, you work hard to keep the place safe. Personally I think you're incredibly brave for that, I wouldn't say like Boston firefighter brave because frankly to do so would be irreverant and disrespectful, but on par with a COVID nurse technician fighting on the front for public health. You do amazing work. In any case, these warns do not cover the full scope of my crimes. Since rejoining the community in mid september, I have played approximately 80-100 hours in the server, with an average of one slur every thirty minutes. These include the "n"-word, the f slur, and the k word. That comes out to at least two hundred instances of the use of slurs, ethnic or otherwise, but primarily the "n"-word, and this is a conservative estimate. Wow. Just wow. I've made some serious errors in judgement here, and I must apologize and commit to changing for the better. I ignored what was told to me time after time again, that this is hate speech, that its divisive nature makes a restrictive environment where creative expression and more cerebral Trouble in Terrorist Town interactions are discouraged. Nothing I can do could repair the damage done to the community and innocent bystanders caught in the blast zone of my acts of cyber terror, most notably my frequent and unashamed useage of the "n"-word. I can only offer my sincere apologies and ask for forgiveness. Certain individuals have spoken to me and made me realize that this is not a joke, and that I have failed to realize the amount of harm these single words can do to both the malleable minds of the youth of the server and the damaged and tired staff members who must do battle with the forces of hatred on a daily basis. I know that based off of my prior and consistent behavior you have no reason to trust me or my sincerity or the efficacy of my promises, but now I feel an apology is overdue and I must ask for a 26th chance as a different man.
Having recently come of age to legally purchase alcohol, I have abused liqour to tear down protective social barriers and callously disregard the rules of the video game. I know substance abuse is no excuse; the fault is mine alone for chosing to engage in this behavior, but I feel I owe the community an explanation for the pain I caused it. Having now been sober for 27 hours straight for the first time in almost two months I am now in a proper state of mind to process the regret and understand what I did was wrong. To gleame past the haze of ego and peer into the rotten soul of the matter. I understand that this is no excuse, that using the "n"-word under any circumstance is reprehensible beyond compare, and I have failed at this basic quality of human decency in my Garry's Mod interactions. I have almost exclusively played with you all under the influence of often copious amounts of grain alcohol and it has tainted my mindset in so many instances. I looked in the mirror this morning and was disgusted by the man I saw. Just because I was drunk doesn't excuse my immaturity on Garry's Mod, and my unprofessional attitudes to wards the staff has been destructive and counterproductive. I have been rowdy and caused great chaos in the game. For my alcohol fueled acts of cyber violence and digital hate, I must apologize.
I can understand why the staff have gotten so tired of my foolishness in the game. Having once been a fast food shift manager, I relate to the day to day 9 hour grind of babysitting stoner teens and drunk registered sex offenders with a history of meth use and violent crime. It's a hard job, thankless, hapless, tiresome, soul crushing, joyless, dead end, suicide glorifying, nuerosis inducing, generally upsetting and overall thoroughly unpleasant. Being in a position where I held authority over fellow adults and had to be the one to tell people not to use certain language and make so many excuses and exceptions on their behalves to recieve nothing but grief stemming not only from volatile personalities but from a lack of work attendance or any sort of useful skill at all made me dream about being hit by a car and oft I would consider just how many days I could get off for physical therapy were I to be shot in the stomach by a man with a rifle. The general plan after pt would of course be to soft quit, now that the store would have been bereft of my presence long enough to be no longer reliant on it and therefore any obligation of mine would be lost and I could leave without feeling like I was leaving decent (if misguided and lazy and borderline psychotic and utterly stupid) folk hanging. I couldn't even bring myself to discipline them, I always thought who am I to tell them how to live their lives, who am I to tell a grown man what to do like I'm his mother; an extremely poor and self destructive mindset for a management position, something I recognized and led me to conclude that the only way to truly desire a management position was to be an actual soulless bugman, a violent sociopath with fantasies of torture and control. I mean they were morons, really bottom of the barrel people, but it's hard to just kick them off to the side when they've shared blunts with you behind the building and told you about their horrific living situations and lives ripped out of a black comedy and how they are in such bad spots that at age forty they are forced to live off minimum wage at two different part time jobs to afford both having a child with a defective spine and a cigarrette addiction, and buy mids by the ounce, so you would finish a huge portion of their work for them zonked out of your gourd and emotionally disconnected from anything but synthwave soundtracks looping in your mind. So I understand somewhat the pressures of moderation and just how difficult and painful your work must be, especially in the presence of bad actors like me stoking the fire deliberately getting into conflicts with you. You deal with serious issues in the game which threaten the community.
Part of my failure has been in adaptation. My fondest memories of Garry's Mod include the old days of Dark R.P. when a child I would meet in a prop nest on the side of the road would gleefully spam Johnny Rebel and Moonman on the in game radios, fraught with instances of the "n"-word. Now I recognize the folly in this sort of behavior. Most likely this child has done heroin at least twice by now, having grown into adolescence in the height of the opiate epidemic. The best he would have to look forward to would be a career in fast food management, a fate worse than a lifetime of opiate abuse and parental neglect. I reminisce about these toxic wild west times, the 'good old days' if you would, in a way where I have become the gameing boomer. I refuse to adapt to the new order, to change with the times and accept that some things are just too over the line to say on the internet. My failure has brought the community down, and I have let all of the wonderful friends I met and made in it down with my actions. I have failed my fellow gamers, who simply have a fresher and newer perspective to add to the game than I. I have forgotten to set an example for my junior gamers, and to encourage that sense of childlike wonderment which so oft produces the purest nuggets of gaming joy. I have wounded the community, and left upon its once pure heart a black scar of pain and hate. I have become the gaming boomer, saying the "n"-word with reckless abandon for my own sick pleasure, and for that I apologize. I sincerely apologize for bringing the "n"-word into your lives and into your game server, and for the spine-chilling hate speech I have unleashed upon the community.
Most of my infractions occur in dead chat, where instead of watching the game of cat and mouse between the last three players looking for each other on opposite corners of the map play out in spectator mode I instead deliberately break the rules regarding micspam and again make frequent use of the "n"-word. Some players might think it's cute, some might encourage this behavior, but the silent majority is so outraged by this breach of the peace that they refuse to speak entirely, leaving us to our contemplative dead silence rather than filling the air with their own topics as a change of subject. I realize this is because of my intimidating nature as a cyberbully, and would like to take this opportunity to apologize to everyone I've ever bullied into silence in Dead Chat. My behaviors have led to a more toxic spectator mode, ruining the peace for people who want to take this time to breath and watch a youtube video or maybe scroll social media in peace and killing conversation for those who do just want to have a casual, easy conversation about the weather at the gamer's table, or make observations about the current match. For that I must apologize, and am incredibly sorry to you all.
When not directly insulting or harassing staff or donors I will frequently encourage others to do so; in my efforts I have singlehandedly created a more hostile environment to these dutiful few, who deserve none of the hate they get for volunteering their spare time to try and make the server a more palatable place. My attitude towards your ilk is a relic of the old days, an anti-authority relic which was the standard reactionary response to any sort of moderation and again illustrates my penchants as a gaming boomer. This is not the place for that sort of behavior and I must apologize to the staff and donors. You do not deserve any of this hate, you do a fine job and I realize I and people like me only make it harder on you by contributing to this hostile environment. I realize you only want to make the server a better place and my behavior has gone in direct conflict with that interest. I berate you for every gag, often calling you the "n"-word and earning a gag for myself even though I realize that this is often necessary when the game begins to get to rowdy and people lose touch with civility in the aftermath of serious high level gunfights. I goad you into giving me warns for street credit, collecting them like bubblegum cards and wearing them with pride as tokens of honor. For this behavior I must apologize and attempt to make amends, although I understand if you are hesitant to do so since every attempt of yours to stand up and be the better man in game has been uniformly rejected by my crudities and slurs. In these situations you are simply trying to make the server a better place, by removing speech which is not condusive to the relaxed and trustful environment of any good Trouble in Terrorist Town match. I can tell you take your roles on Garry's mod very seriously and I have been disrespectfully irreverant in the past of this. You truly do not deserve the ASAB spam as you have never done anything wrong, you are just doing the job you volunteered your spare time to do.
Let's take a step back fore a moment. I say this alot but my presence here is often to unwind after shifts, long stretches of 8 hours saying absolutely nothing and moving merchandise out of a box and onto a shelf, often in a state of drifting consciousness as I fade into a state of half sleep from utter boredom. I realize this is no excuse for my behavior, but I feel it is necessary to explain myself to the community. Just because I want to s**tpost in the game and spaz out doesn't mean other pople do, and I often ruin their times by trying to kick the server into some state of intense interaction. Not everyone's version of fun is bombastic, colorful language and loud horseplay and especially the "n"-word. I am very sorry to everyone whose session I have ruined with an excess of activity de-chilling the server, as it were. I am sorry and feel I must apologize.
I seek not fully for forgiveness but also redemption. I am inspired greatly by the redemption arc of characters such as Discord, Trixie the Magician, Princess Luna, and most importantly Starlight Glimmer, my favorite pony from My Little Pony: Friendship is magic, introduced in season 5. She begins in the series as an antagonist spreading divisiveness and hate (my saying the "n"-word), is defeated by the powers of Twilight Sparkle (me getting permanently banned), comes to regret her actions in almost destroying the entire world (me making a real unban appeal), and then is taken under the wing of the princess of friendship and becomes a constructive and iconic major character in the series (me hopefully being aple to rejoin the community and become a positive influence on the game ). What is perhaps most egregious on my part is the violation of the code of ethics set forth by the community I Have been a part of for 8 years and counting, the brony fandom's motto of Love and Tolerate. I have forgotten to Love and Tolerate and it has cost me friendships, happiness and good graces, much like how the bitterness and hate inside of Starlight Glimmer's heart cost her the friendship of everypony she held dear, and to all of my fellow bronies I must wholeheartedly apologize, for letting you all down.
To the ends of making amends there is little which can be done but speech. Going forward I have made a comprehensive list of pledges I will promise to abide by:
-I will not say the "n"-word, or violate rules regarding hate speech in any manner
-I will no longer target staff or donors, referring to the former as "internet hall monitors" and the latter as "bootlicking paypiggies" and oinking into the mic, or any variation thereof
-I will no longer GUI (game under the influence) in your server
-I will not touch the liquor in general, it leaves a man more toxic and robbed of vim than relaxed and unwound like wholesome herb
-I will no longer contribute to the air of toxicity on this server
-I will no longer question and challenge literally every single judgement made by staff
-I will become a stoner again, get high all the time on big gas purp green, as that is a more pleasant and amicable state which belays a stark contrast to my current profile
-I will not inflame dead chat just because my friends and I are 'bored'
-I will continue to strive towards the examples set by my personal idols, such as Nelson Mandella, Mike Tyson and Starlight Glimmer
-I will read the rules
-I will no longer act the part of the gaming boomer
I understand how disheartening my actions have been for the Trusted and Trial moderators of the server. To be started on this epic journey into a whole world of awesome responsibilities such as your volunteer hours demand, and to have such a character as I to harangue and harass you every step of the way, every single time you gag and mute and attempt to deescalate a serious social confrontation in the game, I am there to drag you down with my daggerlike words. I hone my tongue to pierce your supple, swollen hearts filled with love of the community and drain that love to replace it with bitter and bile. It is to you young, bright souls I must apologize the most for. You have to tell people what to do all the time since so few respect the spirit of the rules, to do so much for so little in return except your own satisfaction at having helped make Dinkleberg's a more enjoyable Garr'ys Mod experience. To jesse, to Jammin, to FX, to all the trusted who have come to know me as a serial offender and hateful apparition, who have heard me say the "n"-word more times than I am comfortable to remember, I must wholeheartedly and sincerely apologize. I have trolled you in countless occasions and now come to see that trolling simply isn't acceptable, it's cyberbullying and nothing more. And cyberbullying is seriously harmful, what I do really hurts people and I must apologize.
I realize now what I have done has not just been saying a word. Over the past decade, starting with the extrajudicial killing of Trayvon Martin, the Person of Color Communities in the United States have grappled with the issues of institutional racism, white supremacy and unwarrented police violence in addition to the rise of the Alt-Right in mainstream society. This has come to a head in the 2020 race riots beginning with the death of George Floyd. I have previously taken great joy in shock humor, and found funny most of all deliberately doing what I am told not to and basically being an Edgelord. I know realize the reason these things are against the rules are because they are objectively not funny in any context. My behavior has been utterly disgusting and shocking, and I am ashamed of it and the man I have become. I have failed to recognize the social issues which plague our modern society and accurately apply the modern context of the political and social climate in Donald Trump's America to my behaviors in game and sincerely apologize for my actions and the unmeasurable damage they have done to this community.
I cannot expect to be exempt from the rules, or to be free from punishment after the disgusting, immature and hateful acts and hate crimes I have commited on Garry's Mod, all I can ask for is a chance for a new beginning; an olive branch decorated with my sincerest apologies and desire to heal the wounds caused by my actions. I promise to avoid conflict going forward, and to learn from the mistakes of the past and use their lessons as a guide to how to proceed going forward. I truly wish for the past to be the past and for the world to change for the better, and I can only start with myself and my behaviors in games. I have disappointed my fellow gamers and for that I apologize. Please allow me the chance for redemption and to put this negative chapter of my life behind me. Please allow me to make friendships, rather than engage in bullying behavior. To quote princess Twilight Sparkle, "Everyone deserves a second chance at friendship, because friendship is magic!" Powerful. I have reflected on this quote and come to see the true meaning and now I ask for a chance to prove it.
Have you been banned before (Link relevant threads): Yes, no threads are applicable
Other:
SteamID: STEAM_0:1:43140995
Who Banned You: RenzoLeBenzo
Reason For Ban: Slurs, trolling and toxicity
Length of Ban: Permanent
Reason for Admins to Unban: I realize that I am only supposed to do this once a month but I have been convinced by several friends in the community that it is my responsibility to put this all to rest, as it is an ongoing social issue. I must also admit I was drunk the first time I posted here. I understand why you would ignore this plea, but I beg you to consider my humble apologies and sincerest regrets. I have been approached by several members of the community who wished to see me make a proper, standard regulation appeal and have convinced me that indeed I have made many mistakes in my journey with this server. I would first like to address my previous appeal, made during a night of heavy drinking and purposely inflammatory, with the only real goal of bringing myself great mirth through conflict. While successful in the latter regard, I realize now that such actions were uncalled for and thoroughly unpleasant for everyone else involved. My actions lowered the quality of discussion on the Dinkelberg forums and I deliberately flamed the unban request subforum. I acted immature and childish, and that kind of behavior does not belong in DinkleBerg's TTT. After careful consideration and conversation with certain community members I have come to regret my actions and desire to apologize and make amends for the first time since my joining this server.
Let's just unpack this for a minute. Verily I have behaved in a way fitting of the title of digital villain, not internet badass like I so often profess to be in game. In fact my use of racial slurs like the "n"-word has been quite cowardly, shameful and regretful. I have failed to hold up to the standards of respect and decorum established by Dinkleberg's TTT, acting foolishly and immaturely in game and irreperably ruining the experience for countless innocent and carefree players. In my quest to act in as foolishly as possible in any given situation, I have instead become an insidious influence on the community's tone and have come to be accurately described as a hater and digital supervillain, all in the service of my bloated ego. Feeding on the negative attention, sowing seeds of hate and toxicity and reveling in the pain and sorrow I reap. I have commited serious acts of cyber violence; I must now apologize and make amends.
The first step to this end I believe would be transparent, open and honest dialogue. I have indeed violated the rules to the point of posessing no less than 30 warns, 17 of which are specifically for the use of ethnic slurs, at least two for aggressive homophobia and the rest for deliberate harassment of staff and donors. This is after several instances over the years of being kicked off every time I got back into TTT for my name containing obscure antebellum era slurs for Black people after verbal warnings, by several people but namely raider hanks. Shoutout to you bro, you work hard to keep the place safe. Personally I think you're incredibly brave for that, I wouldn't say like Boston firefighter brave because frankly to do so would be irreverant and disrespectful, but on par with a COVID nurse technician fighting on the front for public health. You do amazing work. In any case, these warns do not cover the full scope of my crimes. Since rejoining the community in mid september, I have played approximately 80-100 hours in the server, with an average of one slur every thirty minutes. These include the "n"-word, the f slur, and the k word. That comes out to at least two hundred instances of the use of slurs, ethnic or otherwise, but primarily the "n"-word, and this is a conservative estimate. Wow. Just wow. I've made some serious errors in judgement here, and I must apologize and commit to changing for the better. I ignored what was told to me time after time again, that this is hate speech, that its divisive nature makes a restrictive environment where creative expression and more cerebral Trouble in Terrorist Town interactions are discouraged. Nothing I can do could repair the damage done to the community and innocent bystanders caught in the blast zone of my acts of cyber terror, most notably my frequent and unashamed useage of the "n"-word. I can only offer my sincere apologies and ask for forgiveness. Certain individuals have spoken to me and made me realize that this is not a joke, and that I have failed to realize the amount of harm these single words can do to both the malleable minds of the youth of the server and the damaged and tired staff members who must do battle with the forces of hatred on a daily basis. I know that based off of my prior and consistent behavior you have no reason to trust me or my sincerity or the efficacy of my promises, but now I feel an apology is overdue and I must ask for a 26th chance as a different man.
Having recently come of age to legally purchase alcohol, I have abused liqour to tear down protective social barriers and callously disregard the rules of the video game. I know substance abuse is no excuse; the fault is mine alone for chosing to engage in this behavior, but I feel I owe the community an explanation for the pain I caused it. Having now been sober for 27 hours straight for the first time in almost two months I am now in a proper state of mind to process the regret and understand what I did was wrong. To gleame past the haze of ego and peer into the rotten soul of the matter. I understand that this is no excuse, that using the "n"-word under any circumstance is reprehensible beyond compare, and I have failed at this basic quality of human decency in my Garry's Mod interactions. I have almost exclusively played with you all under the influence of often copious amounts of grain alcohol and it has tainted my mindset in so many instances. I looked in the mirror this morning and was disgusted by the man I saw. Just because I was drunk doesn't excuse my immaturity on Garry's Mod, and my unprofessional attitudes to wards the staff has been destructive and counterproductive. I have been rowdy and caused great chaos in the game. For my alcohol fueled acts of cyber violence and digital hate, I must apologize.
I can understand why the staff have gotten so tired of my foolishness in the game. Having once been a fast food shift manager, I relate to the day to day 9 hour grind of babysitting stoner teens and drunk registered sex offenders with a history of meth use and violent crime. It's a hard job, thankless, hapless, tiresome, soul crushing, joyless, dead end, suicide glorifying, nuerosis inducing, generally upsetting and overall thoroughly unpleasant. Being in a position where I held authority over fellow adults and had to be the one to tell people not to use certain language and make so many excuses and exceptions on their behalves to recieve nothing but grief stemming not only from volatile personalities but from a lack of work attendance or any sort of useful skill at all made me dream about being hit by a car and oft I would consider just how many days I could get off for physical therapy were I to be shot in the stomach by a man with a rifle. The general plan after pt would of course be to soft quit, now that the store would have been bereft of my presence long enough to be no longer reliant on it and therefore any obligation of mine would be lost and I could leave without feeling like I was leaving decent (if misguided and lazy and borderline psychotic and utterly stupid) folk hanging. I couldn't even bring myself to discipline them, I always thought who am I to tell them how to live their lives, who am I to tell a grown man what to do like I'm his mother; an extremely poor and self destructive mindset for a management position, something I recognized and led me to conclude that the only way to truly desire a management position was to be an actual soulless bugman, a violent sociopath with fantasies of torture and control. I mean they were morons, really bottom of the barrel people, but it's hard to just kick them off to the side when they've shared blunts with you behind the building and told you about their horrific living situations and lives ripped out of a black comedy and how they are in such bad spots that at age forty they are forced to live off minimum wage at two different part time jobs to afford both having a child with a defective spine and a cigarrette addiction, and buy mids by the ounce, so you would finish a huge portion of their work for them zonked out of your gourd and emotionally disconnected from anything but synthwave soundtracks looping in your mind. So I understand somewhat the pressures of moderation and just how difficult and painful your work must be, especially in the presence of bad actors like me stoking the fire deliberately getting into conflicts with you. You deal with serious issues in the game which threaten the community.
Part of my failure has been in adaptation. My fondest memories of Garry's Mod include the old days of Dark R.P. when a child I would meet in a prop nest on the side of the road would gleefully spam Johnny Rebel and Moonman on the in game radios, fraught with instances of the "n"-word. Now I recognize the folly in this sort of behavior. Most likely this child has done heroin at least twice by now, having grown into adolescence in the height of the opiate epidemic. The best he would have to look forward to would be a career in fast food management, a fate worse than a lifetime of opiate abuse and parental neglect. I reminisce about these toxic wild west times, the 'good old days' if you would, in a way where I have become the gameing boomer. I refuse to adapt to the new order, to change with the times and accept that some things are just too over the line to say on the internet. My failure has brought the community down, and I have let all of the wonderful friends I met and made in it down with my actions. I have failed my fellow gamers, who simply have a fresher and newer perspective to add to the game than I. I have forgotten to set an example for my junior gamers, and to encourage that sense of childlike wonderment which so oft produces the purest nuggets of gaming joy. I have wounded the community, and left upon its once pure heart a black scar of pain and hate. I have become the gaming boomer, saying the "n"-word with reckless abandon for my own sick pleasure, and for that I apologize. I sincerely apologize for bringing the "n"-word into your lives and into your game server, and for the spine-chilling hate speech I have unleashed upon the community.
Most of my infractions occur in dead chat, where instead of watching the game of cat and mouse between the last three players looking for each other on opposite corners of the map play out in spectator mode I instead deliberately break the rules regarding micspam and again make frequent use of the "n"-word. Some players might think it's cute, some might encourage this behavior, but the silent majority is so outraged by this breach of the peace that they refuse to speak entirely, leaving us to our contemplative dead silence rather than filling the air with their own topics as a change of subject. I realize this is because of my intimidating nature as a cyberbully, and would like to take this opportunity to apologize to everyone I've ever bullied into silence in Dead Chat. My behaviors have led to a more toxic spectator mode, ruining the peace for people who want to take this time to breath and watch a youtube video or maybe scroll social media in peace and killing conversation for those who do just want to have a casual, easy conversation about the weather at the gamer's table, or make observations about the current match. For that I must apologize, and am incredibly sorry to you all.
When not directly insulting or harassing staff or donors I will frequently encourage others to do so; in my efforts I have singlehandedly created a more hostile environment to these dutiful few, who deserve none of the hate they get for volunteering their spare time to try and make the server a more palatable place. My attitude towards your ilk is a relic of the old days, an anti-authority relic which was the standard reactionary response to any sort of moderation and again illustrates my penchants as a gaming boomer. This is not the place for that sort of behavior and I must apologize to the staff and donors. You do not deserve any of this hate, you do a fine job and I realize I and people like me only make it harder on you by contributing to this hostile environment. I realize you only want to make the server a better place and my behavior has gone in direct conflict with that interest. I berate you for every gag, often calling you the "n"-word and earning a gag for myself even though I realize that this is often necessary when the game begins to get to rowdy and people lose touch with civility in the aftermath of serious high level gunfights. I goad you into giving me warns for street credit, collecting them like bubblegum cards and wearing them with pride as tokens of honor. For this behavior I must apologize and attempt to make amends, although I understand if you are hesitant to do so since every attempt of yours to stand up and be the better man in game has been uniformly rejected by my crudities and slurs. In these situations you are simply trying to make the server a better place, by removing speech which is not condusive to the relaxed and trustful environment of any good Trouble in Terrorist Town match. I can tell you take your roles on Garry's mod very seriously and I have been disrespectfully irreverant in the past of this. You truly do not deserve the ASAB spam as you have never done anything wrong, you are just doing the job you volunteered your spare time to do.
Let's take a step back fore a moment. I say this alot but my presence here is often to unwind after shifts, long stretches of 8 hours saying absolutely nothing and moving merchandise out of a box and onto a shelf, often in a state of drifting consciousness as I fade into a state of half sleep from utter boredom. I realize this is no excuse for my behavior, but I feel it is necessary to explain myself to the community. Just because I want to s**tpost in the game and spaz out doesn't mean other pople do, and I often ruin their times by trying to kick the server into some state of intense interaction. Not everyone's version of fun is bombastic, colorful language and loud horseplay and especially the "n"-word. I am very sorry to everyone whose session I have ruined with an excess of activity de-chilling the server, as it were. I am sorry and feel I must apologize.
I seek not fully for forgiveness but also redemption. I am inspired greatly by the redemption arc of characters such as Discord, Trixie the Magician, Princess Luna, and most importantly Starlight Glimmer, my favorite pony from My Little Pony: Friendship is magic, introduced in season 5. She begins in the series as an antagonist spreading divisiveness and hate (my saying the "n"-word), is defeated by the powers of Twilight Sparkle (me getting permanently banned), comes to regret her actions in almost destroying the entire world (me making a real unban appeal), and then is taken under the wing of the princess of friendship and becomes a constructive and iconic major character in the series (me hopefully being aple to rejoin the community and become a positive influence on the game ). What is perhaps most egregious on my part is the violation of the code of ethics set forth by the community I Have been a part of for 8 years and counting, the brony fandom's motto of Love and Tolerate. I have forgotten to Love and Tolerate and it has cost me friendships, happiness and good graces, much like how the bitterness and hate inside of Starlight Glimmer's heart cost her the friendship of everypony she held dear, and to all of my fellow bronies I must wholeheartedly apologize, for letting you all down.
To the ends of making amends there is little which can be done but speech. Going forward I have made a comprehensive list of pledges I will promise to abide by:
-I will not say the "n"-word, or violate rules regarding hate speech in any manner
-I will no longer target staff or donors, referring to the former as "internet hall monitors" and the latter as "bootlicking paypiggies" and oinking into the mic, or any variation thereof
-I will no longer GUI (game under the influence) in your server
-I will not touch the liquor in general, it leaves a man more toxic and robbed of vim than relaxed and unwound like wholesome herb
-I will no longer contribute to the air of toxicity on this server
-I will no longer question and challenge literally every single judgement made by staff
-I will become a stoner again, get high all the time on big gas purp green, as that is a more pleasant and amicable state which belays a stark contrast to my current profile
-I will not inflame dead chat just because my friends and I are 'bored'
-I will continue to strive towards the examples set by my personal idols, such as Nelson Mandella, Mike Tyson and Starlight Glimmer
-I will read the rules
-I will no longer act the part of the gaming boomer
I understand how disheartening my actions have been for the Trusted and Trial moderators of the server. To be started on this epic journey into a whole world of awesome responsibilities such as your volunteer hours demand, and to have such a character as I to harangue and harass you every step of the way, every single time you gag and mute and attempt to deescalate a serious social confrontation in the game, I am there to drag you down with my daggerlike words. I hone my tongue to pierce your supple, swollen hearts filled with love of the community and drain that love to replace it with bitter and bile. It is to you young, bright souls I must apologize the most for. You have to tell people what to do all the time since so few respect the spirit of the rules, to do so much for so little in return except your own satisfaction at having helped make Dinkleberg's a more enjoyable Garr'ys Mod experience. To jesse, to Jammin, to FX, to all the trusted who have come to know me as a serial offender and hateful apparition, who have heard me say the "n"-word more times than I am comfortable to remember, I must wholeheartedly and sincerely apologize. I have trolled you in countless occasions and now come to see that trolling simply isn't acceptable, it's cyberbullying and nothing more. And cyberbullying is seriously harmful, what I do really hurts people and I must apologize.
I realize now what I have done has not just been saying a word. Over the past decade, starting with the extrajudicial killing of Trayvon Martin, the Person of Color Communities in the United States have grappled with the issues of institutional racism, white supremacy and unwarrented police violence in addition to the rise of the Alt-Right in mainstream society. This has come to a head in the 2020 race riots beginning with the death of George Floyd. I have previously taken great joy in shock humor, and found funny most of all deliberately doing what I am told not to and basically being an Edgelord. I know realize the reason these things are against the rules are because they are objectively not funny in any context. My behavior has been utterly disgusting and shocking, and I am ashamed of it and the man I have become. I have failed to recognize the social issues which plague our modern society and accurately apply the modern context of the political and social climate in Donald Trump's America to my behaviors in game and sincerely apologize for my actions and the unmeasurable damage they have done to this community.
I cannot expect to be exempt from the rules, or to be free from punishment after the disgusting, immature and hateful acts and hate crimes I have commited on Garry's Mod, all I can ask for is a chance for a new beginning; an olive branch decorated with my sincerest apologies and desire to heal the wounds caused by my actions. I promise to avoid conflict going forward, and to learn from the mistakes of the past and use their lessons as a guide to how to proceed going forward. I truly wish for the past to be the past and for the world to change for the better, and I can only start with myself and my behaviors in games. I have disappointed my fellow gamers and for that I apologize. Please allow me the chance for redemption and to put this negative chapter of my life behind me. Please allow me to make friendships, rather than engage in bullying behavior. To quote princess Twilight Sparkle, "Everyone deserves a second chance at friendship, because friendship is magic!" Powerful. I have reflected on this quote and come to see the true meaning and now I ask for a chance to prove it.
Have you been banned before (Link relevant threads): Yes, no threads are applicable
Other:
![[Image: 4kcofo.jpg]](https://i.imgflip.com/4kcofo.jpg)
![[Image: Salsa_UwU.jpg]](https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/237402079772016641/699904253833117706/Salsa_UwU.jpg)
![[Image: cYQlQ4a.gif]](https://i.imgur.com/cYQlQ4a.gif)
![[Image: BbGd4LU.jpeg]](https://i.imgur.com/BbGd4LU.jpeg)
